I’m convinced I’ve met people who think they want one thing, but really would be better served another way.
When I hear a student tell me that he has a check-list of requirements for a bride, an ongoing list of middos requirements that will put him as her “judge” for the entirety of their marriage, I conclude this fellow is no where near ready to get married.
I think a lot of young men imagine a perfect wife as being just like any other “friend” only better at being a “friend” than their current basket-ball buddies.
The truth is, notions of intelligence miss a lot of other important ingredients, such as good judgment, practicality, social ability, etc.
The above example of a young man expecting the wife to have a lot of money is one of the most misguided intuitive desires many young men have.
When I asked my group of students, “Is it better to have a rich wife or a poor wife?”
only one kid, a young ninth grader, had any idea of the problems a rich wife could present.
I recommend a poor bride for the following reasons:
1. You won’t have to compete with rich Daddy every time a decision is to be made. Expect frequent visits to her home – often without you in tow.
2. Your meager income won’t be a step down for her.
3. Gifts you give her will be the most valuable thing she gets. Imagine giving a 2 carrot diamond to her when she has six three-carrot diamonds from Daddy for her last six birthdays.
4. Her car will be *her* car. Your car will be the one she doesn’t even want to ride in.
5. Do you think she’s used to doing the dishes? Maria normally did that for her.
Laundry? cleaning house? That’ll be your domain.
//
I think it’s best for a husband to NOT be his wife’s halachic judge. My opinion.
Yes, have high standards for who you marry… before you marry.
But once the ring is on her finger, then drop all the rules, all the requirements, all the check lists, just dedicate yourself to her, if she asks you why she got fat, your reply is, “I think you’ve actually been losing weight. Too much weight. You should see a doctor.” (she has a mirror and friends, if she gains weight, never NEVER validate her statements, not even as advice on how to lose it. “Weight? I don’t know what you’re talking about. You look thinner than before, you look great!” Lie like the house is on fire.
To the man who thinks he’d be happier with someone who must be an intellectual mastermind, perhaps, perhaps he needs that. Or perhaps he doesn’t know what he really needs. Or, most likely, he’s not ready to get married at all.
Your wife is not your friend.
Marry someone who reminds you of traits your mother has.
If your Mom cooks, marry someone who cooks.
If your Mom loves to have long talks, marry someone who loves long talks.
If your Mom is a cleaning perfectionist, marry someone like that.
Same goes for a young lady, marry someone like your Dad.
Don’t know why that is that way, but if you want to go with the statistics, there you go.
I’m convinced I’ve met people who think they want one thing, but really would be better served another way.
When I hear a student tell me that he has a check-list of requirements for a bride, an ongoing list of middos requirements that will put him as her “judge” for the entirety of their marriage, I conclude this fellow is no where near ready to get married.
I think a lot of young men imagine a perfect wife as being just like any other “friend” only better at being a “friend” than their current basket-ball buddies.
The truth is, notions of intelligence miss a lot of other important ingredients, such as good judgment, practicality, social ability, etc.
The above example of a young man expecting the wife to have a lot of money is one of the most misguided intuitive desires many young men have.
When I asked my group of students, “Is it better to have a rich wife or a poor wife?”
only one kid, a young ninth grader, had any idea of the problems a rich wife could present.
I recommend a poor bride for the following reasons:
1. You won’t have to compete with rich Daddy every time a decision is to be made. Expect frequent visits to her home – often without you in tow.
2. Your meager income won’t be a step down for her.
3. Gifts you give her will be the most valuable thing she gets. Imagine giving a 2 carrot diamond to her when she has six three-carrot diamonds from Daddy for her last six birthdays.
4. Her car will be *her* car. Your car will be the one she doesn’t even want to ride in.
5. Do you think she’s used to doing the dishes? Maria normally did that for her.
Laundry? cleaning house? That’ll be your domain.
//
I think it’s best for a husband to NOT be his wife’s halachic judge. My opinion.
Yes, have high standards for who you marry… before you marry.
But once the ring is on her finger, then drop all the rules, all the requirements, all the check lists, just dedicate yourself to her, if she asks you why she got fat, your reply is, “I think you’ve actually been losing weight. Too much weight. You should see a doctor.” (she has a mirror and friends, if she gains weight, never NEVER validate her statements, not even as advice on how to lose it. “Weight? I don’t know what you’re talking about. You look thinner than before, you look great!” Lie like the house is on fire.
To the man who thinks he’d be happier with someone who must be an intellectual mastermind, perhaps, perhaps he needs that. Or perhaps he doesn’t know what he really needs. Or, most likely, he’s not ready to get married at all.
Your wife is not your friend.
Marry someone who reminds you of traits your mother has.
If your Mom cooks, marry someone who cooks.
If your Mom loves to have long talks, marry someone who loves long talks.
If your Mom is a cleaning perfectionist, marry someone like that.
Same goes for a young lady, marry someone like your Dad.
Don’t know why that is that way, but if you want to go with the statistics, there you go.